“New Moon Completely Sucks Ass,” Says Basically Everyone Over the Age of 12

by Jenny from the Blog

The newest "Twilight Saga" movie, New Moon is out. If you have to google that, I'm going to assume you're some kind of medieval terrorist who lives on a mountain top in China somewhere, although that guy probably knows about New Moon too.

Not only is it out, but teenage girls everywhere have made a wee-wee in their pants all over the world for this flick, seeing as it is now the highest grossing opening weekend film this year. With that information and the additional hysteria surrounding New Moon, it must be the greatest film ever made. And it is--if you're in seventh grade.

To everyone else, not so much. So how can a movie which is unanimously deemed as crap by everyone in the world who's completed middle school, still pop $140 million in three days? Beats me, man. Currently boasting a 29% approval rating on rottentomatoes.com, it might be safe to say that New Moon truly kind of sucks a little bit. Here are some of the charming reviews circulating:

"Shallow, vapid and cheesy, proving that melancholy eternity themes can sometimes be drenched in tedium - except for ferocious Twi-hards." (Susan Granger, SSG Syndicate)

"Its defects include cumbersome dialogue and ludicrous plotting - its lack of sophistication is total - but who's going to notice with all those shirtless wolf-men flexing their pecs?" (Rossiter Drake, San Fransisco Examiner)

"If they spent more time on the scripts, coaching the actors and finding less distracting hair and makeup, they might earn what they have but don't deserve: the fans' unconditional love." (Gina Carbone, Seacoast Newpapers)

Now I haven't really gotten into the whole Twilight scene. I saw the first movie, which was mediocre at best but I have not read the books because I've recently given up reading anything that isn't written by me. And the Twilight series is written by some Mormon twat named Stephenie Meyer. So, we won't be reading that one, I'm afraid.

Despite the fact that the film's biggest stars, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are personality-free, annoying in every imaginable way, and pretty shitty actors all together actually, I'll probably end up seeing New Moon. It seems like it might be just the perfect train wreck I've been longing to see. God, I miss Spiderman.

I actually consider myself to be on team Harry Potter, because I know him personally and stuff, so I might be biased in that respect, but I'll give New Moon a chance anyway. I'm not rushing it though.

I'll wait until next week when they've washed the teeny bopper urine out of the theater seats.








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